Poop Simulator

''POOP SIMULATOR'' //Based on a true story// ^^by Anita Schitt^^ Your guts are rumbling. Your bowel appears to be yelling "get out of the way!" to your sphcinter. What do you do? [[Go to the bathroom]] [[Do nothing]]

You go to the bathroom and sit on the throne. What happens next? [[Poop comes out]] [[Poop doesn't come out]]

For whatever reason, you decide to hold it in. Stomach cramps intensify. Are you sure you don't want to go to the bathroom? [[Yes, i'm sure]] [[No, I'll go to the bathroom now->Go to the bathroom]]

Based on the Bristol Stool Scale, what consistency was it? [[1 - Little brown pebbles]] [[2 - Picnic bar in a swimming pool]] [[3 - Sausage shaped chocolate crackle]] [[4 - Brown garden hose]] [[5 - Autumn leaves on a pond]] [[6 - Coogee Bay Hotel gelato]] [[7 - Craft beer from the Bottom End Brewery]]

With all of your muscle control skills, you send a signal to your sphincter to start oscillating. If you're a dude or a chick that's never given birth, this is how you imagine childbirth feels. If you're a chick that's had at least one kid, you're like "bitch, please". Eventually ... POP! A big brown cork flies out and hits the bowel with such ferocity, you wonder if you've accidentally sat down to take a dump on a bidet instead of a torlet. [[See what you've just given birth to->Poop comes out]]

The pressure in your colon continues to build. It gets to the point where a small amount of gas begins to escape. You want to let one rip, but there is a real risk of following through... [[Run to the bathroom->Go to the bathroom]] [[Do nothing. Again.]]

You lift a cheek to gently relieve the pressure ... hmmm ... this feels too solid to be a gas ... [[Run to the bathroom]] [[Gently let the gas escape ... your sphincter muscles are strong enough to block any debris]]

About freaking time!! You run to the bathroom, drop your pants, sit on the seat and unleash Mount Vepoovius. Feels great, huh? **THE END**

With all the muscle control you can muster, you open your sphincter just enough to allow some gas to escape. The only problem is that the gas was stuck behind a great big brown pebble ... **YOU SHARTED!! GAME OVER**

Plop ... plop ... plop ... it's raining PooChocs! You feel as though you've been rogered with a wire brush, but that sensation quickly fades as you feel so much better now that you're not plugged up. Bookmark a Google search for "constipation home remedies" once you've flushed and washed your hands. [[THE END (for now)->END]] [[I need to go again!->I need to poop! What do I do?]]

It's like being 12 years old again ... only this time you didn't laugh your guts out and get thrown out of the council swimming centre in the process. Drink more water. [[THE END (for now)->END]] [[I need to go again!->I need to poop! What do I do?]]

Did you eat a bar of Copha and half a tin of Milo for lunch? lol j/k ... as contradictory as it sounds, this is a pretty good piece of crap. No signs of digestive distress and easy to clean up after. [[THE END (for now)->END]] [[I need to go again!->I need to poop! What do I do?]]

You sit down and snap one off. With a bit of sphincter control, you lay such a nice piece of cable that you could get a job with the NBN tomorrow. You feel somewhat empty, yet satisfied. [[THE END (btw the NBN called, you start on Monday)->END]] [[I need to go again!->I need to poop! What do I do?]]

Rev up your colons! Your back passage sounds like your mum's old VW Beetle at idle ... dak dak dak ... you look down and see there's chunks, but not the satisfying pebble variety. Rather, these are somewhat sad little pancakes. Hint: try folding instead of scrunching ... you're going to need all the usable toilet roll you can get. Eat more roughage. [[THE END (braap!)->END]] [[I need to go again!->I need to poop! What do I do?]]

It feels as though Satan has possessed your bowels and repurposed them as the soft serve machine in the world's worst Mr Whippy van. You'll probably want a shower after this. Did you really need to skol that 2 litre bottle of full cream milk for breakfast this morning? [[THE END (for now)->END]] [[I need to go again!->I need to poop! What do I do?]]

The bowl looks like the aftermath of a microbrewery mishap. See a doctor, especially if it resembles a porter or dark ale instead of an IPA or pilsner. [[THE END (no seriously, get that shit checked out)->END]] [[I need to go again!->I need to poop! What do I do?]]

Bowel health is so important. Go regularly. **BYEEEEEEEEEE!!**